Proof

It is the little things - that wierd you out, that give you happy knots.

The Songwriter had his divorce "charges" dropped in Tennessee.

"I fucking out smarted her. That fucking bitch." Funny how love turns on us. How for most hearts to heal it takes winning. Proving your love's authenticity by obliterating it. Wierd knots.

"I finished my meal first." Well, you had half the food and fries I did! "But you're twice as big as me." Proving at 5 1/2, it doesn't take much to logically outsmart someone four times your age. To have the logical acceptance and genius of a child. Happy knots.

An interesting weekend. I will babysit again and I still believe in love. The Diastema is one hell of a sport (and cook.) My mom rocks for listening to me curse 40 minutes straight while waiting in line for my emissions test (that experience must be reserved as some special level of hell.)

For those of you who actually know me, expect a slideshow in your inbox soon.

There's a first time for everything

Tonight, I will venture into a realm I have never set foot in. I will dare to pick door number three. I will slay the dragon, save the princess and enforce world peace!!! TONIGHT - I WILL BABYSIT!!!!!

Crickets, right? Yeah, it's true. I've never babysat in my life. Sure, I've been a camp counselor. I've been part of taking care of 500+ screaming inner-city Chicago kids for two weeks at a time, but never have I been hand picked (singled out, chosen above those who take showers everyday, etc.) to take care of someone's most precious cargo. Maybe the more accurate is I've never been trusted to. And honestly, I'm ok with that. Babies are weird. They smell funny and prevent me from getting a full night's (9+ hours) sleep.

But this little guy is different. First of all, he's potty trained. He just started kindergarten and is without doubt "Spidey Man's" biggest fan. I met him at the office (he belongs to the Mac Attack who lives in the office next to me.) It was perfect. I threw a paper wad at him, he threw 12 back at me. He drew me as a super hero, I traced his body on butcher paper. Sounds like the beginning of a romance novel, doesn't it? Too bad he's only 5 (and a half, he corrects me.)

Well tonight we're "hanging out." "Spidey's biggest fan" is by far too cool to be babysat. I'm really looking forward to it. Plans include grabbing some McDonald's (we already share favorite foods,) walking dogs and as long as mom doesn't find out making gargantuan sundaes and coloring over candlelight. I also have a secret plot to make him fall in love with Lemony Snicket. (I have "The Bad Beginning" in my car. It would thrill me to make a kid love those books as much as I do...and then I could read them again...to him!)

I'm thrilled. Just thrilled. Maybe after it's over I'll be singing a different song, but right now, I can't wait for my two cheeseburger extra value meal (supersized - this is a special occasion) and to see life through the eyes of a kindergartner again.

So to all my friends stuck with bar hopping and going out on dates with supermodels, I say to you, "Top this."

August flowers?

In other news, this random, multi-trumpet flower just shot up next to my house the other day. Right next to the washing machine discharge pipe no less. What an amazing gift of nature.

Mio amore

In true testament to my addiction to People.com, I am ecstatic to find that Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are back together again, taking it one step at a time. What can I say, I'm just a sucker for happy endings.

But even more so than happy endings, I am a sucker for Subway.

I would take Jared on any day in a "who loves Subway more" contest. I honestly eat this stuff nearly five times a week, sometimes twice a day. Six inch, footlong, wraps and salads. I engage the entire menu and savor every last bite. But today broke the mold, I think a little bit of heaven was sprinkled between my cheese and tomatoes. I loved this sandwich so much I have given it a pet name and I will share the recipe with you now:


Spicy Italians are Better Lovers

6 in. Italian Herbs and Cheese bread
2 slices of provolone cheese
4 slices of pepperoni
4 slices of Genoa salomi
(Toast above ingredients for 20 seconds)
Green peppers
Red onions
Tomatoes
Pickles (the more the better)
Salt and pepper
Vinegar and oil (drown that beast)

- Carry your sandwich approximately 150 yards back to your office, sit in the lamplit luster of your office; thoroughly cover your lap with napkins/tissues (whatever is handy) and thoughtfully inhale your Italian beloved in less than two minutes. Continue working, tell all your friends about it.

Bon apetit.

Things that make us happy

My next door co-worker was at Defcom level 5 depths of despair, pretty much all day. She just got a call back from an email she had sent a journalist who is interested in her story. She has rocketed to Cloud 11.6. Yes, journalists returning a PR professional's call can sometimes have that much of an affect on us.

I was just visiting my favorite blog in the blogosphere (because she's remarkably witty and an astounding feminista) and found that she now has t-shirts for sale with her blog's colors. I am overwhelmed with excitement and am now struggling trying to decide which color ringer tee I want. I think it's going to be marigold.

I got a call from a man earlier today that said he didn't want my "fucking republican speaker" talking to his club. This made me insanely happy and I wish I could have told him that I didn't want that bastard speaking to him either.

On Saturday I went to Anipalooza to benefit the Nashville Humane Society. A few things made me happy:
1. I didn't take home a new fury friend, even though I was drunk enough to do it.
2. I got a $250 string of pearls and earrings for $85 - and it all went to the homeless animals.
3. Breaking in the dance floor gives me an insatiable high.

These are the things that made me happy today. Tomorrow, I'm sure it will be back to the same ole, same ole. Good bed head, no Mumbles vomit on the floor and warm bread from Subway. But today, these things are floatin' my boat quite nicely.

Shark attack

And she returns from the Florida Keys. Minimal sun damage and considerably bedded. Or something like that.

It wasn't until the car ride from the Keys to the airport that I got Family Flu and was ready to be away from the rents, and considering I was with them for 8 straight days that's not too damn shabby!

It was a wonderful trip. I slept til at least 10:30 every morning and drank enough beer and rum based fruity drinks to make any sailor jealous. But the best part of all - learning to snorkel.

We picked up grocery-store quality masks and snorkels at Winn-Dixie on Marathon K ey pretty much first thing. Becca and I were quite keen on practicing in the safety of our bathtub water pool and quickly caught on to the skill of blowing water out of your "wind pipe" after a surface dive. Jessica and Chad arrived a day later and we rented the good stuff from a local dive shop and by Wednesday, we decided it was time to try out the reef.

So we took a snorkel tour about seven miles off the coast out into open water (trying not to reference that horrifying movie) and took one giant step for any idiot into the middle of the ocean. It was so peaceful - like flying. Drifting with the ebb and flow of the minor swells and seeing the most amazing color menagerie of sea and plant life ever orchestrated.

I was six again - I wanted to touch everything.

And then I saw it - a pretty good sized fin hiding under a rock shelf. I waved franticly at my sisters and screamed, "SHARK" out of the water to get everyone to notice my new-found friend - a nurse shark. He was gorgeous and graceful. I was certain before I jumped in the water that if I saw anything comparable to my height with teeth, I would pass out and become its munchies. Much to my surprise I started to follow it and (what the hell?!) surface dive to swim right with it.

Yes, I am verifiably nuts.

It was so amazing. By this time, Becca was screaming at me, "What shark?! Do we need to get on the boat?!!!" Eventually we all did, only to all (except Becca and Mom) get insanely sea sick and lose our niblets all over Davy Jones' Locker. That's alright, the fish loved it. "Dirty scaventers" Captain "Scary" Jerry called them.

Twas an experience of a lifetime and what I once thought was my greatest fear is fast becoming a dream world to me. What an experience. I can't wait til I can afford to visit the reef again.

Speeding up the Process

http://www.datelance.com/

And I thought my best girlfriend encouraging me to “advertise” on eHarmony was bold.

I think I’m going to apply. Strike the potential that he may want eight children he seems like a halfway decent guy – which is 25% better than my usual catch.

Let’s be honest, I really just want to see if I pass the screening of Team Lance.

The Ass Scabs

My sinuses are packed to the limit with chunky, mustard-green mucus.

Usually when I feel illness coming on I drink water to the point that I can not leave the bathroom and promptly go home after work and avoid germy, public places. Last night, this was not the case.

What an amazing evening.

There were several celebrities among us: the Professor, Butcher and my favorite Princess. And a couple I admire most were with me as well - my sisters (SEE-stors.)

Trivia is fun. Trivia is more fun when you are on a predominantly female team of some of the most diverse and wonderful women in the eastern U.S.

We got the sciatic nerve, Marcia Clark, and the year the Globe burned within three years; and if we would have listened to my first Nashville friend we would have left Nixon over Mandella and gotten the final wager right to take a second place victory (over my usual team...I am frightningly competitive, this would have made my whole day.)

The best part of the night though was being with this group of gold and silver friends. Each brings a valuable set of experiences to the table that inevitably made us a force to be reckoned with. I could not stop smiling.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and one I'm glad I got to share with my sisters (SEE-stors) and my favorite Princess. Maybe next year we'll have another opportunity and the Ass Scabs will be reunited to take over the world - or at least Trivia Night.