Business etiquette revisited: New Technology

By a self-declared cell phone addict and PR type


“Sorry, I have to take this email.”

The clamor of vibrating cell phones against plastic, belt holsters and comments like this are disturbing business meetings and family dinners all across the world.

Since the rise of the cell phone in 19>>, the ways of how we do business have progressively become more and more fast paced. Contracts are settled in a matter of minutes, new sales terms negotiated in seconds and you take care of all your Christmas shopping at one easy-to-use website.

Palm Pilots, cell phones and Blackberries have become the frantic businessperson’s necessities. They crowd subways, office meetings and little league games. And we’re getting so much done, right?

At a recent Bridgestone-Firestone internal meeting a high ranking officer told his employees, “Leave all cell phones, blackberries, and palm pilots at the door as you enter. No one is more important than me right now.”

We’ve all fallen victim to disrupted conversations, meals and board meetings due to one of these efficiency improving personal devices and most of us are criminal of committing the act as well. But where do we draw the line? Who is most important? When should you turn those things off?

To help all of us businesspeople in making that life shaking decision, I’ve developed an etiquette guide to help you decide when it’s a “no business zone.”

Cell Phones

My cousin going into the sixth grade just got a cell phone. I think it’s safe to say, everyone has a cell phone except for my Greenpeace, technology-resisting sister. Let’s make a distinction here. Cell phones are not a bad thing, but as with personal gaming devices and pogo sticks, there is a time and place for everything.

I think the main misconception about cell phones is that they always have to be on. Many, like myself, rely solely on their cellular provider for any and all contact in and out of the workplace. It’s logical to always have your home phone plugged in the wall and in turn, we justify we should all have our cell phones turned on (or at least on vibrate) at all times. The distinct difference – your land line is connected to your house, your cell phone is literally fused to your hip bone.

Times may have changed but common courtesy has not:

Rule 1: When you are sleeping and/or making love, turn off your cell phone.

• Corollary 1a: Likewise, if you are engaged in dialogue, group discussion, or any other form of communication, do not answer your phone, and it’s best if it’s turned to silent (or at least muted after one pestering ringtone.) It’s rude.
  
  And like presents at Christmas and oral sex, ‘tis better to give than receive. Make someone’s day and return the call when you are actually available to give them your full attention.

Remember the beauty of the answering machine back in the early nineties? Sure, you might not get the message your great aunt died for another three hours, but when you get the message, I assure you, she will still be dead.

So what if your spouse is in the hospital and a serious decision needs to be made? Under current law, doctors are required to maintain the patient to the best of their ability until a family member can be contacted. Know that if you can’t get back to them for five hours, they will do their best to keep them alive for five hours.

What if it’s the last few words that your mother wants to say to you as she’s on her death bed, or someone close to you sees they are about to die? Even better! They can leave a message that you will cherish forever – not just a fleeting conversation that you will soon forget how their vocals ebb and flow.

But what if they’re calling for help? About to see their maker in what might be a preventable situation. First, the likelihood you can extinguish the situation is slim to none and subsequently there is an even slighter chance this will actually happen to you. Don’t worry about this stuff!

But what if it’s your boss, a new development has come up in the Morris case and she needs an answer stat. More than likely, this would happen during business hours. Typical lunches last one hour. The average human can use the restroom and get back to their desk in about three minutes and eleven seconds. You have an assistant that will be sure you get the message as soon as you return. Turn around in less than two hours is not too shabby.

But what about your kids? They’re at day care or at home with the babysitter. Do yourself a favor and hire a childcare provider that knows what to do in a crisis and will ensure your child’s safety with or without your being available for help.

Remember, this is not justification you don’t need one. If your car breaks down, you need directions or help deciding which of the two shirts you’re looking at in the store to buy your mom, these are completely legit situations (and ones in which you’re probably not in the middle of a business meeting, family dinner, etc.) to pick up the cell and dial. The moral of this story is simple – the world turned before the cell phone and it still does. You have absolutely no reason to answer it every time it rings – regardless of who it is.

The Blackberry

Geez, didn’t these come flying out of left field? Email, phone, internet and games all at your fingertips; and if you own one you become like one of Pavlov’s mice. When it vibrates, it must secrete some sort of highly concentrated soma into your finger if you pick it up and roll that little wheel on the side. People can not resist the Blackberry.

Rule 2: The Blackberry is a glorified version of passing notes in high school. It was not okay to read, write and pass notes while the teacher lectured. It is still not okay to read, write and pass notes while the teacher/your boss/your coworker/your spouse talks to you.

Several folks I work with have caught the Blackberry influenza. Again, a very useful device, but when I am talking to them about a project we are working on and that little game boy sized device vibrates, I am instantly given a nod as they roll their eyes downward and “inconspicuously” pick it up to see what email or call it is. Note: I realize you are picking it up; and you have just proven to me that whatever I have to say is of no importance to you.

That’s just bad business – not to mention crippling to your professionalism.

Like cell phones, there is a time for silence, a time to hit the “ignore” button and a time to not even touch the damn thing.

Other rules

We’ve got the overview down, but let’s just go ahead and lay down the law.

Rule 3: Turn off any and all PDAs at the dinner table.

Rule 4: It’s rude and unethical to discuss business over the phone in crowded place like elevators, subways and when you’re taking vacation in the car full of your family dying for your attention.

Rule 5: If you’re in a conference and your cell phone/PDA vibrates (because you at least did that much) do not duck and run like a Vietnam veteran towards the door. We all notice, you have disrupted the whole session. Please check the message and return the call during the break in five minutes.

Rule 6: Under no circumstance take your phone into church, the movies or a dinner party. If you feel naked without it, do us all a favor and turn it completely off.

Poop pains

Now I admire a woman who can look me straight in the eye as we are discussing business and tell me, "I'm going to have to get back to you on this. I have incredible poop pains right now."

Granted we all get "poop pains," but to share that information with a co-worker? That's bold and daring! My kind of lady.

Which brings me to another issue: Pooping at the office. We are fortunate enough to have a three-stall model lavatory with a separate room for 'business' and 'cleaning up.' This is my favorite model due to the fact that you can escape your stinky instead of endure the agonizing post-poop-stinch pains as you wash your hands (while singing happy birthday all the way through at least once which according to Oprah will get you germ free.) But there are downfalls as well. Namely, if you've gotta poop, and someone moves in next door.

My favorite stall to drop my friends off at the pool in is without a doubt the handicapped stall. More room to spread out and concentrate. And let's face it, who likes straddling the toilet in order to get out of the door (because none of us are less than five inches wide.) I am giddy happy when I walk into the business section and no one else has the urge. There's just something a little unnerving about pooping in the same room as your peers. I'm not performance shy, don't get me wrong here, but who wants to hear the pitter patter of poop plopping in the bowl...that's not yours! "Not I," said E.

So thank God, when I went rushing down the hall to take care of a little unexpected business, the coast was clear. The moral of this story?

If you're going to poop at the office, be sure to let everyone at the table know you've gotta do number two...and lock the door behind you.

RDD

Relaxation Deficit Disorder – n. – a true to life disability that I suffer from.

RDD is a state in which you rarely have any noticeable time to yourself and when you do, you have no fucking clue what to do with yourself, because, come on, you should be doing something!!!! So you pace the floors, try on three pairs of shoes, five different pairs of pants with shirt combos…(ok, that’s because you’re going to see a movie with the Songwriter and you’re still not sure why you don’t throw on a bandana and Chacos like usual…)

But seriously, folks, I have issues just “chillin.’” I have more issues with my being tired seemingly all the time lately, but this is right up there.

Maybe I should start making a list of things to do that would entail “doing absolutely nothing.” I mean, let’s face it, you’re always breathing, thinking, blinking, farting, swallowing, etc. These are things you can’t stop (thank goodness, b/c Lord knows I would forget.)

So, I present to myself, “Things to do to achieve some level of enjoying yourself in doing ‘nothing:’”

1. Cook for yourself.
2. Take a bath…shave your legs
3. Write a note to someone you haven’t talked to in a while – or Myra next door.
4. Put the Christmas mp3s on shuffle and make spiced tea
5. Plot world domination/peace/whatevs
6. Go for a walk to Las Paletas and eat a few yummy popsicles
7. Make up a really good mantra – it might come in handy someday
8. Brush Mumbles…VACUUM (wait, that’s too much of something, but necessary.)
9. Make the perfect compilation of songs for every emotion/occasion
10. Research something you’re passionate about
11. Determine what you’re passionate about
12. Take a nap

Alright, that’s enough. I’ll be prepared to do nothing next time the opportunity presents itself. Sweet.

Smart virgins

Does Bush have another cousin...in Uganda? This seems like another one of his programs - zero cultural research, mixed results, issue never really addressed. Do I see "abstinence only" doctrine here again? I believe so...and guess what. It won't work here either.

MP: Free University for Virgins

A Ugandan member of parliament has pledged to reward girls for their chastity by paying their university fees if they are virgins when they leave school, a local newspaper said on Wednesday.

Sick, isn't it?

Time for cultural immersion.

There are several interesting and inaccurate urban legends in Africa surrounding the AIDS epidemic. One includes the notion that if a man infected with the HIV virus has intercourse with a virgin, he will rid himself of the disease. This myth has been at the center of countless recent cases involving sexual abuse and child rape.

And polygamy. Having multiple partners brings respect to both the man and woman and their families involved in a relationship. How could you reprimand a young girl from seizing the opportunity to be "protected" and "provided for?"

Why do we victimize the victim again and again throughout her lifetime? Why don't we help educate her from day one in hopes that she would make it to age 18 without a life-threatening disease? Or in hopes that she even make it to age 18.

This is a valiant effort but clearly constructed by the upper echelon (of those who can afford to be in the Ugandan parliament) for the upper echelon of young women whose parents have both the money and manpower to protect their girls from "African culture." Since when was a culture other than ours bad? Why not educate within the system? Why not offer bread, condoms, vaccinations, clean drinking water...any sort of free and accessible education?

Let's talk about starvation, ignorance and the AIDS epidimic. Why not address the issues of the people of Uganda instead of the American dream for once?

(in the words of Merriam-Webster's word of the day, this whole situation is just smarmy)

New person lunch

Ah, the new person lunch. As I was walking downstairs to take my copy edits to one of our art directors I was invited to go to a "new person lunch."

In some cultures, this phenomena could be referred to as torture. In America, it's strikingly similar to the high school lunch room. The left side of the table talks to their friends, the right side to theirs. Everybody turns to see who just came in the door. Conversation is shallow if not downright worthless.

New guy is both humorous and single - double bonus. It's about time we hire people who can participate in meaningful dialogue about disgruntled cat companions, crabby landlords and disastrous bar adventures. But the most intriguing part about new person lunch was not in fact new person but where we chose to woo our newest underpaid, overworked companion...the nursing home cafeteria.

Granted it's not just any cafeteria, it's a "bistro." But there is no denying that it is connected by a long fluorescent hallway to the land of old. It's an interesting mix of walkers and paisley nighties and power suits and Palm Pilots that solicit JJ's Bistro in Metro Center. You can not help but look around.

I wonder if the "regulars" feel threatened by our presence? Look at our plates as they shuffle to the line and think, "that little fella better not have gotten the last of the chocolate mousse."

Regardless, an odd choice of location for the new person lunch - though the food is damn delicious. You should visit sometime soon.

Old soul

It's not everyday someone comments on the age (or observed state) of your soul. Such a personal thing - it's like someone looks between your legs and says, "Interesting."

To him, it was a simple observation (and I'm glad not a beguiling critique.) I might have been able to grasp the meaning of it more precisely if it had not been two hours and 23 minutes past my bedtime (it was midnight, kids.) But maybe it was best to simply take it as it was in that moment.

So the question of the hour is, how do you have an old soul and not be so old? Mombo told me that the world views us as "too young" until age 25, we view ourselves as "definitely still young" until age 30, and you're "not old" until age 40. When does the average Earthling get an old soul? Am I an early bloomer in this guy's eyes? Does everyone necessarily get an "old soul" at some point? What the hell is an old soul anyways? (there goes my dictionary obsession again...)

I enjoy my airport expeditions and dog walks with the Songwriter - how my brain tingles and I breathe deeper when I'm around him. How he sings an improvised version of Carly Simon for me. He gives great hugs.

Welcome to my little blog, Mamacita.

Most days this probably won't be profound, but it will definitely give you a little insight as to what I ponder and churn up in my head all day long. So don't get scared, and come back often for commentary from yours truly. Over and over I've heard, "I just don't understand you, E." Maybe that's something I keep others from doing, but this is as close a chance as any you'll get to gain a little more insight.

No promises for improving your IQ here but maybe I'll have a small affect on your perspective - of the world, my profession, hand-tossed pizza, of me. If so, blog mission accomplished. We've both got a shot to learn something with this. Here's to the adventure.